The Seven Deadly Sins Part I: Anger
My wrath did grow.
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A Poison Tree by William Blake
I was angry with my friend;
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I watered it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears:
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night.
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine.
And into my garden stole,
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see;
My foe out-stretched beneath the tree.
You’ve felt like shouting at a person before. Or probably have several times.
Like beating them for messing up your food order. For doing something that inconveniences you, gets you late for a meeting.
For making decisions about your life without consulting you. For pouring coffee on you and messing up your cool outfit. Annoying you with crazy demands when you’re tired. Talking to you condescendingly. Or repeating the same mistakes you had addressed.
Look, I get it. I also struggle with anger.
You feel people should know better.
You believe, if you aren't ruthless enough then they'll keep taking, and taking, crossing your boundaries, embarrassing you — ruining your reputation as a respectable individual. Professional. Or parent.
Violence. It's the only way you know to protect what's yours.
Frustration and anger are normal reactions to life’s disappointments. To getting hurt.
And I'm not here to tell you not to get angry. Far from it. I want you to master your rage. To use it because I believe you're mentally capable of a higher form of living.
For you’d be wise to know it’s much better to have a reputation for mercy and kindness than wrath.
You’d benefit from using rage to illume your words — giving them a sharp and charismatic edge that inspires.
It can give you the energy to fight for the weak, without letting it blind your decisions.
You can use it as fuel to get stronger than the enemy without letting the darkness consume you.
It’s therefore prudent to stake the satisfaction of expressing your anger for your ambition.
The Dangers of Anger
Anger comes from the feeling of powerlessness. The feeling that someone or thing has hurt you on purpose.
That's why it's good to know how to express your needs, fight for yourself, and if necessary, walk away from toxic interactions.
It’s why before you get mad at a person, you ought to gauge their level of intellect and wisdom.
You’ll also be wise to entertain the idea that people are doing their best. Or are tired, struggling with difficult emotions, overwhelmed. If not, you risk…
I. Creating Resentment
Only a weak man is quick to punish.
Anger becomes tyrannical through the fear it arouses.
Fear then makes people unable to express themselves for they dread the consequences of confronting you, which makes for ineffective leadership because they start covering up mistakes that slowly destroy the relationship, business, or their well-being.
And if pushed far enough, they become an antithesis, an anti-christ of unbridled rebellion, destroying all the good in their soul to spite your dysfunctional authority.
A better way to live, like stating clear boundaries, rules and giving people the latitude to make mistakes and become better because of them, and delivering punishment in a just manner, makes for a wholesome way to mitigate the dangers of anger as you’re kind, tolerant and if your needs are unmet you’re strong enough to discipline.
Other people suffer from the other end of the spectrum, by…
II. Not Expressing Enough Anger
Another detriment of anger is not expressing or ignoring it, taking it lightly.
This way of living results from the fear that by articulating your discontent, there will be far dire consequences than if you avoided it.
However, that avoidance is inauthentic, as no one, not even the saints are immune to feeling angry. You’ll soon explode on innocent people.
Besides, you won’t benefit from tapping into the endless stream of energy from rage to do better work. Be a better person. Compete.
Power and Respect is in Composure
"Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on - it isn't manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn't give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance — unlike the angry and complaining." — Marcus Aurelius
You have to always take the high road if you want respect and power.
This means being bigger than the emotions or provocations affecting you. Not to suppress anger.
To occupy the higher ground is choosing to act with elegance. You’re magnanimous from the position of civility and careful reasoning of what's best.
When the feeling arises, you refuse to accept the inevitable impulsive judgment that you’ve been wronged — that expressing your anger is justified and pick the thought telling you that giving in to anger is weakness, as Marcus Aurelius would tell himself.
You might see this stance as giving in, out of fear, to other people's shitty behavior.
But think about it.
Heightened emotions impair good judgment.
Anger renders you inept at leading and working as it’s impossible to do anything well while harboring it.
You’ll lose the war if you’re expending energy on issues that won’t matter days or weeks later. If you’ve lost the vision and have become tactical.
Relationships also crumble. Losing yourself in blind rage costs you the respect of people looking up to you.
Rage makes other people defensive because you end up attacking them instead of understanding and disputing their ideas.
Besides, how often do you end up saying words you regret when angry?
The cost? You become unapproachable, untrustworthy, and bad to work with. People fear instead of respect you.
A better move is to recognize disappointments as inevitable and keep a healthy mental distance from some events, occasions, and people that would provoke you.
Not out of hate or fear. But so you can catch the monster before you become it.
"In the ring, our opponents can gouge us with their nails or butt us with their heads and leave a bruise, but we don't denounce them for it or get upset with them or regard them from then on as violent types. We just keep an eye on them after that. Not out of hatred or suspicion. Just keeping a friendly distance. We need to do that in other areas. We need to excuse what our sparring partners do, and just keep our distance—without suspicion or hatred." — Marcus Aurelius
In so doing, you’ll be in the best position to influence people to get better. Or stop their actions if they’re affecting others.
Some amount of anger is good because it shows you what you don’t want to put up with. But apoplexy isn’t.
Self-control in a situation warranting anger is what people respect as it shows inner strength, which is a rare thing.
You’re above trivial matters. You don't lower yourself to the level of an idiot. You respect your position as nature’s sovereign.
However, this attitude raises these questions:
Should you stomach every dirt thrown at you?
Should you have zero expectations of people?
Should you lower your standards?
Quite the contrary. You’re not a doormat.
Sitting silently with anger helps no one, especially if the person in question can accommodate your needs if you muster the courage to ask.
It propagates terrible assumptions that shred relationships and interactions.
That’s why your first instinct to disappointment shouldn’t be getting angry at another person.
But to question whether you expressed your demands, boundaries, and consequences with confidence, sternness, and grace.
Effective communication gives you control over the situation by providing a clear way forward. Even if you might not like it sometimes.
It gives you a chance to at least make the other person aware of your needs and expectations. Support them to honor your request.
For the best thing you can do is provide clear instructions and explanations, be patient, allow lots of room for improvement, and provide a comfortable environment for people to ask for help and advice.
So, to the wise man, any feeling of rising anger is a chance to get to its root and reflect on the role you have played in its contribution.
Your anger is your responsibility.
This ownership then brings control and power back to you, where you decide how you’d like to handle matters so that life’s a bit smoother.
How to Master Anger
“Every event has two handles, one by which it can be carried, and one by which it can’t. If your brother does you wrong, don’t grab it by his wronging, because this is the handle incapable of lifting it. Instead, use the other—that he is your brother, that you were raised together, and then you will have hold of the handle that carries.” — Epictetus
The following are the 7 keys to help you master and use anger to your advantage.
I. Premeditate Disappointment
"Fabius used to say that the basest excuse for a commanding officer is 'I didn't think it would happen,' but I say it's the basest for anyone." — Seneca
Preparing for anger helps you get better at handling it.
Think of all the ways people could disappoint you, the rude people you'll meet, and how events might flow contrary to your expectations.
However, it’s impossible to account for every situation.
And in these scenarios the fluidity of mind to strategize and create prompt responses through previous training will help you overcome the unforeseen problems without getting angry.
“If you know the way broadly you will see it in everything.” ― Miyamoto Musashi
This exercise helps you keep your mind in harmony with what is: people can be unpredictable — sometimes they do dumb stuff. Sometimes they mess up.
Not because they want to, but because they do what they think is right at the moment. Because they’re struggling with something else.
Marcus Aurelius reminds us,
“How cruel—to forbid people to want what they think is good for them.
And yet that’s just what you won’t let them do when you get angry at their misbehavior.
They’re drawn toward what they think is good for them.
—But it’s not good for them.
Then show them that. Prove it to them. Instead of losing your temper.”
They deserve to be shown kindness and love because they’re not these bad, evil people your mind has made them out to be.
II. Wait and Write it Down
"The greatest remedy for anger is delay" — Seneca
It’s wise to procrastinate acting on anger.
You’re not doing this to avoid conflict. You’re waiting so you can put the event in perspective.
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