Social Skills I: The Confidence Masterclass
True confidence is quiet, self-assured, and steady—it’s about knowing our worth without needing to show off.
The Le Monde Élégant section is a companion to The Stoic Manual to help you master the art of effortless connection, sway hearts and minds with grace, and cultivate an aura of undeniable allure with the timeless secrets of refined society—the unspoken rules, elegant gestures, and subtle arts that set true aristocrats apart.
P.S: Skip to the end to get a mini-course, a step-by-step guide with examples to help you increase your core and situational confidence for a successful social life. Worth $5,000.
Social skills are crucial in the art of living because we spend most of our lives dealing with other humans.
I wrote about their importance in my essay ‘On The Will to Power’.
Knowing how to connect with, charm, and have a conversation with anyone is how you make friends, get business partners & dating prospects, gather crucial information to plot your next moves, influence your spouse, kids, and the people you lead, and create perennial goodwill everywhere you go.
It’s how you enjoy the subtle pleasures of being a social being.
It’s how you give people the rare and intoxicating feeling of being seen, heard, and understood.
However, this refined art has sadly gone out of fashion.
Most people are lonelier than ever, they don’t know how to make friends or have a fulfilling dating life, and they certainly miss out on great opportunities because they close themselves off to connecting with others.
My aim with this section of the newsletter is to bring back that beauty, vigor, and fun back to your life.
To help you master this grace and elegance that’ll expand your life in ways you never thought possible.
To help you become the all-rounded Stoic, as Seneca and Marcus Aurelius were.
This is quality education for the modern world.
I introduce to you Le Monde Élégant.
Today we’ll cover the attitude of mind you ought to have in any social interaction so that it can be successful. Or at least less intimidating.
The Confidence Game
We’ve all had those moments where connecting with others feels awkward or nerve-wracking.
Maybe it’s the shy feeling that creeps in at a party, anxiety, or the little voice of self-doubt that tells us to stay quiet.
These moments can make us feel stuck, like something is holding us back from making real, meaningful connections.
At the heart of this is often low self-confidence.
But here’s the good news—confidence is something we can build.
When we do, it helps us feel better in our skin and makes it easier to relate to other people.
Confidence comes down to two things: core self-esteem and situational confidence.
Core self-esteem is the sense of value we feel about ourselves at a basic level.
It’s the belief that we matter and that we have something to offer.
This kind of self-esteem isn’t swayed by what happens around us—it doesn’t dip just because someone ignored us or rise because someone gave us a compliment.
It’s sturdy.
Situational confidence, on the other hand, is about how sure we feel in specific situations.
It’s the kind of confidence we draw on when we’re introducing ourselves to someone new, speaking up in a meeting, or joining a conversation at a party.
When both of these types of confidence are strong, they help us connect better with others and handle those moments that might usually feel awkward.
Note that confidence doesn’t mean being loud, cocky, or always the center of attention.
True confidence is quiet, self-assured, and steady—it’s about knowing our worth without needing to show off.
Think about it.
Do we base how good we feel about ourselves on things that are out of our control, like whether someone laughed at our joke or smiled at us today?
What would it look like if our confidence came from a deeper place, one that didn’t depend on anyone else’s approval?
Great, right? That’s why we’re Stoics.
Another piece of the puzzle is the energy we bring into social situations.
Why? People tend to reflect the energy we put out.
If we approach someone feeling low or tired, the conversation will probably feel the same way.
But if we bring a little more energy and positivity, it changes the dynamic.
For example, think about a time when we shared exciting news with someone.
Chances are, they felt excited too, simply because we brought that energy into the interaction.
You can also exude good energy in how curious, open-minded, and witty you are with other people.
This is called emotional contagion—it’s how our energy can affect the mood of the people around us.
Now, this doesn’t mean we need to act over-the-top or fake enthusiasm.
Nobody needs to be on high-dose aderall just to have a good conversation.
It’s about making small adjustments.
If our energy level feels low, what happens if we dial it up with some exercise, if we focus outside of ourselves more rather than our familiar insecurities?
Even a slight shift can make a big difference.
And while it might feel a little unnatural at first, with practice, it starts to feel normal. Even automatic.
What You Need to Know Before Getting Started
Building confidence, whether it’s rooted in self-esteem or tailored to specific situations, is a rewarding but often misunderstood process.
It’s essential for personal growth and social success but it’s not the magic solution to all interpersonal challenges.
Here are some crucial truths to keep in mind as you begin this journey, ensuring you stay grounded and focused on real, lasting progress.
1. Confidence Isn’t a Prerequisite for Growth
It’s tempting to think we need to be fully confident before diving into social situations.
This belief can paralyze us, convincing us to “fix” ourselves before we try anything new.
The truth?
You don’t need perfect confidence to start improving your social skills or navigating new experiences.
Growth happens alongside confidence, not after it.
How to Apply This
Start Where You Are
Focus on small actions that stretch your comfort zone, even if your confidence feels shaky.
Example: If you’re nervous about speaking in groups, start by contributing one idea during a meeting rather than waiting until you feel entirely self-assured.
Let Progress Build Confidence
Confidence often comes as a byproduct of trying new things, seeing small successes, and realizing you can handle challenges.
Example: If you’re worried about meeting new people, attend a casual event where the stakes are low. The experience itself will boost your confidence for the next time.
2. Confidence Alone Won’t Make You Socially Successful
Confidence is valuable, but it’s not the only ingredient for success in social situations.
Having specific skills—like knowing how to start a conversation, share engaging stories, or read social cues—matters just as much, if not more.
Confidence amplifies your abilities, but it can’t replace them.
We’ll learn all about these ancillary skills in the coming entries.How to Apply This
Develop Practical Skills Alongside Confidence
Focus on learning specific techniques for navigating social interactions.
Example: Practice asking open-ended questions like, “What’s been the highlight of your week?” This skill works regardless of whether you feel confident at the moment.
Don’t Overestimate Confidence’s Role
Recognize that it’s okay to act despite doubts. As long as your insecurities aren’t disruptive, they’re unlikely to derail your success.
Example: If you’re planning a group outing, focus on logistics like picking a great venue and clear communication, even if you’re second-guessing yourself.
3. There Are No Shortcuts to Real Confidence
The allure of a quick fix is strong.
Inspirational quotes, motivational speeches, or temporary psych-ups can give a fleeting boost, but lasting confidence takes time and consistent effort.
It’s a slow climb.
How to Apply This
Embrace the Long Game
Accept that confidence is built through repeated effort, not instant transformation.
Example: If you’re learning public speaking, commit to regular practice sessions, even if your progress feels incremental.
Beware of the “Psyched-Up” Trap: Temporary boosts, like listening to pump-up music or rehearsing affirmations, are fine in moderation but won’t sustain long-term confidence.
Example: Instead of relying solely on a pep talk before an event, focus on consistent preparation and skill-building over time.
4. Avoid Confidence Sidetracks
It’s easy to get stuck thinking that confidence is the first step to success in any area of life.
This mindset can lead to procrastination, where you avoid challenges while waiting to “feel ready.”
But readiness often comes from action, not the other way around.
How to Apply This
Take Action Even When You Don’t Feel Ready
Recognize that confidence often follows effort, not the other way around.
Example: If you’re anxious about attending a networking event, go anyway and set a goal to introduce yourself to at least three people.
Balance Confidence-Building with Skill Development
Don’t neglect actionable growth while working on your mindset.
Example: If you want to feel more confident at parties, practice conversation openers and learn to read body language instead of waiting for confidence to magically appear.
We’ll learn all about the art of conversation in the coming entries.Now that’s enough talk.
The following 3 sections will arm you with the practical steps to start applying today to enhance your core and situational confidence for the best results in your social life.
A. Practical Ways to Build Lasting Core Self-Esteem
I want you to approach the process of building your core self-esteem like a strategic campaign.
For you won’t be confident at the get-go.
True and lasting confidence is a series of small, consistent steps that help us feel grounded and secure in who we are.
Below are practical ideas that you can integrate into your daily life, along with inspirational examples to make them actionable.
Let’s dive in.