This One is On Ambition and Self Sabotage
Begin to be your friend.
“Ambition means tying your well-being to what other people say or do. Self-indulgence means tying it to the things that happen to you. Sanity means tying it to your actions." — Marcus Aurelius
“I do my duty. Other things trouble me not." — Marcus Aurelius
On Ambition and Happiness
Most people don't know they want to be happy. It's not in their conscious acknowledgment that, deep down, they desire that state.
In a fit of ignorance and confusion, they find ineffective ways to get this joy, albeit simulacrums of it as they don’t understand human nature, what their purpose is, how the world works, and how to concoct all that wisdom into the desired savory state: true happiness.
This is why it can be hard to perceive someone being in the gutters, grinding toward success through lonely nights, while happy.
Sometimes, even the rare person to accomplish this feat isn't sure if they have the right to feel happy, confident, content, and secure as their circumstances don't paint the sentiment. But through this unusual achievement, a disprovable truth is born: being happy isn't contingent on material items but on one’s philosophical attitude.
When wisdom, kindness and love are practiced as an end in themselves, outcomes become indifferent to our well-being.
In this paradox, it even gets easier to become successful because there's no what the psychologist Viktor Frankl called, hyper-intention, — where one, through a hyperfocus on money, happiness, love, or connections, never gets them. Only through undistracted absorption in dignified work, does one amass abundance.
Not to overlook the value of making strategic moves based on the Venn intersection of skills, personality, resources and the potential market to get said items, but one embarks on this journey while full. It’s also then impossible to ever cling or be desperate to get those desires — losing one’s soul in the process — should fortune, like a woman, frustrate our yearning.
It can indeed be motivating to see one's lowly station in life, feel the disgust and shame of ever being comfortable in that space, and pledge to work harder to seek better opportunities. This dissatisfaction is what drives the species forward. Technology, scientific breakthroughs, political power, going to the moon — all depend on it. But it's not sustainable to live locked in that mentality. Ever missing the always aloof I'll be happy when I get X, one never enjoys the simple joys at present: the grace, kindness, and love of family and friends, the excitement of skill acquisition and fluency, a beautiful sunset, the taste of coffee.
Wisdom is tying one's ambition to what's within one’s control: the mind.
It’s good to be discontent, to get the energy and desire to progress and succeed, but then it ought to stop after the imaginings of a utopian vision and a plan to bring this heaven to earth.
This shift of focus from the goal to the process doesn't make one lazy and complacent. Only that while one works, one doesn't postpone living — where setting eyes on a future that might not happen and deluded by the charm of a promising fate, one doesn't realize this is it. This here is real life. One is alive. And death well is on its way.
It's therefore sad to find that most people die with discontent, busy working to get pleasure and happiness without ever knowing it was right inside them, in their way of thinking.
On Self Sabotage
“Be not disgusted, nor discouraged, nor dissatisfied, if you do not succeed in doing everything according to right principles; but when you have failed, return back again." — Marcus Aurelius
Last time you said you would act better. Be stronger. You would control yourself if you met with the same temptation. But you failed. Again. Multiple times so far. And now you're full of shame, self-loathing, and a gnawing despair of ever getting better morphing into depression.
Self-sabotage is a fear of happiness, where one deliberately doesn’t consummate a vision. Its root is from childhood: one might have felt guilty for being happy or more brilliant than others and so to quell a loved one’s envy, one learned to fuck up as an allegiance to the person they admired and adored. Over time, this terrible pattern became the safe choice, winning — risky. It would be better to gloom in solidarity. In adulthood, one therefore unconsciously opts to pursue easy dreams, to sabotage a relationship, not to finish a project, or not to secure a lucrative opportunity.
But one thing this person would be wise to discover is there’s no glory in sadness. It beats the point of living.
To this, I say stay dangerous; live while you still can. Let go of the past. Seize and enjoy the happiness that’s yours despite what may have transpired around you. Embrace happiness. You’ve worked hard. You deserve it.
Fulfillment isn’t stupid, greedy, or lazy. It’s a great achievement, just don’t be an asshole when you win. Or worry about your presence offending people’s fragilities.
For now, enjoy that you’re doing your best by celebrating the small wins. Laugh a little. Play with a child.
Resist the bait to indulge in the comfortable chaos just because you have the strength and resources to endure it. Because it feels familiar. The time to experience and handle the worst will come.
Another common association with self-sabotage is self-loathing; it occurs when one ruminates on what they did wrong. One is unable to be compassionate and forgive oneself. This self-flagellation perpetuates a vicious cycle where one attempts nothing great and noble for filled with shame, knowing one will always fail, one is frozen to make a move. It locks one in a cage of low self-esteem.
In the expectation of one to be always perfect, one often meets with defeat, and this creates more anxiety that one only knows how to deal with through further acts of self-sabotage like drugs, binge drinking, or promiscuity — all negating the deeper and more complex forms of existence.
That's the problem with perfection. In an all-or-nothing approach to life, one has no room to be aware of and be compassionate with one's darkness, sentimental needs, and flaws and so one self-sabotages out of the fear of always falling short. It’s how people get stuck in a rut.
There's profound but flawed logic in thinking that if one isn't immediately good at a skill, a habit, rich from a business, or jacked from a workout program in an unrealistic time frame, then there's no need to commit and do the best one can to realize those goals. There's no belief in one's neuroplasticity. One gives up too early. This mindset also ignores the learning curve and the power of time and daily consistency in compounding the small inputs buttressed by high standards.
The best thing one can do in the face of self-loathing is to give up on ever being perfect and in this newly found freedom afford the lightness to be at least better than yesterday and find confidence in the inherent positive momentum. It then becomes easy to seek bold challenges, see the mistakes leading to failure, and build corrective protocols around them. It's why good mentors are less critical of wrongs as they know excellence in a craft takes time. The learning process of the new habit or skill becomes fun, rewarding, and progressive when there is compassion and pragmatic expectations.
Acts of self-sabotage also tie to poor emotional regulation. In the knowledge that there's a learning curve, one fears to try anything of consequence because one is afraid of how people will perceive their failures. One is afraid of being judged contrary to how highly they think of themselves as intelligent, wise — invincible. Of losing their good reputation, especially if established through a series of wins in other fields. But what one forgets is that it's foolish to tie one's well-being to what others think instead of revering in the courage one can express in the daring and the wisdom inherent in knowing with practice and time one will get better and people will shut up.
Other than that, self-sabotage may mean one is yet to face and deal with the frustration and pressure of trying to live up to certain standards and is therefore seeking escape using less fulfilling means. It's therefore good to do housekeeping often to prevent the build-up of the emotional mud manifesting in life as not being oneself or feeling off lately and the foolish actions that follow. Journaling and high-quality indulgences — with moderation, help with this psychological mopping.
It’s good to remember that one is still a child of the universe, a rightful heir and conqueror of what's good and beautiful in the world even in failure. One still has a role to play and feeling sorry for oneself doesn't help. Hence, one has no choice other than to get over themselves, learn, and do what they're supposed to do. Get back on the path.
The secret to a happy life is focusing on what we can control: our actions and attitudes. It's not about how much stuff we have, how others see us, or attaining perfection. Happiness comes from doing what's right, learning from our mistakes, and getting better than yesterday. This means putting in the effort to improve ourselves and making peace with the fact that sometimes things won't go as planned.
By living this way, we find that happiness isn't something we have to chase or wait for; it's something we can experience every day through our own choices and effort, and most importantly — through reflection, compassion, forgiveness, and grace with ourselves.
Begin to be your friend.